Thirty terrible puns

presented by Stu Savory

  1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
  2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
  3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
  5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
  6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
  7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
  9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
  11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
  16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
  18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours, and it taint mine.
  19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
  25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
  26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
  27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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